“A willingness to be present even when you’re out of your comfort zone”
Andrea Miller
Interviewed on November 4th, 2022 by Anabella Lenzu
Anabella: Thank you again, Andrea, for sharing your time and your life in this interview. What do you consider to be a “good mother”?
Andrea: For me, it is prioritizing connection over anything else –– to see that the connection is still really strong, no matter the challenges. I try to make sure connection is at the heart of every moment- I don’t always succeed! Accepting that your children are really different people than who you are, and they're constantly changing and you're constantly changing. An acceptance for adapting and being available to continue to change and learn new things about your kids, yourself as a parent and as your own person. I support them and get excited about what they love and do, and I want to do everything I can to help them advance their passions. I also want them to know that their mom has a passion and a pursuit –– I'm happy being an artist. Modeling, being a multifaceted person, is part of being a good mom for me. There's so much one could say about that, but that’s a start.
Anabella: How do you define being a “good artist”?
Andrea: I think just making sure you love the process. My obsession is the process. I think specifically choreography also requires leadership, holding space in order to be able to collaborate with the dancers, their artistry, and individuality. So leadership, communication, knowing how to create a safe and creative space, a place for people's unique identities to be lifted up. Being a listener and articulating what you want, want to do, and what you're trying to achieve. Being able to do that in a way that's clear, inspiring, and challenging in a good way. Specifically with dance, Maybe being a good artist means asking yourself to continually be challenged by what you're doing. A willingness to be present even when you’re out of your comfort zone, which should be often. That means you’re learning something new, and you're risking a little bit of your vulnerability. You're trying to grow, to understand something. For me it’s having a set of questions that are important to me, that I constantly return to, each time a new attempt, a new way.
Anabella: So how do you deal with trying to be a good mother and a good artist at the same time? I’ve asked different artists of different ages, disciplines, etc., how they keep this balance, and how they do their daily life. The word guilty comes up a lot. We, as mothers and artists, think, “I'm spending time with my family instead of being in the dance studio.” This is a constant struggle, so how do you balance being a good mother and a good artist?
Andrea: I felt for a long time that any time that I was succeeding in my art, I was failing my family. Or every time my family was thriving, I would be neglecting my art. It felt impossible to do both. Maybe it was because, as a couple, we had kids just one year after we met. It was a surprise. We didn't know that we were going to launch into being a family. It wasn't a planned event. I’m not saying it would've been easier if we planned it, but for us, it was a big new reality to get used to right away. What I’ve been able to achieve as an artist and mother, I have to say, has so much to do with my partner for sure. I don't think I could do any of it without him and without his support and his belief in me, and the time he dedicates to the kids and me. Also, our nanny who’s been such a support and model of motherhood.
You need a lot of help, more than you are prepared to ask anyone for or able to pay for. It’s stressful asking parents, friends, and coworkers for help/even understanding. If something is going smoothly it’s definitely because a lot of people are involved even if it’s just empathy or flexibility to incorporate you as a mother into the hustle of life.
I think one thing that has happened is that I have the stamina for more –– we all should do less –– but I'm learning that I actually can handle more than I thought. Or maybe I'm no longer punishing myself (as much) when it goes wrong. I'm able to do more because I am easier going with the chaos of it all. I’m able to do more because I prioritize my time better so that the time I do have for my children or my art is quality time.
Sometimes I feel like I got this and other’s I’m a puddle. My family gives me so much love and my work gives me so much inspiration- even if it’s not perfect, it’s a lot of blessings to have.
Anabella: You and I have had very strong conversations about, giving up certain things, one way or another. But with the teamwork that you mentioned and the love of creating a structure, not many people can create both structures. I see both sides of the spectrum, some people give up everything because of the family or vice versa. It’s this constant building on two levels –– you build up your relationship with your husband and that’s a lot of work with the nanny and everything.
You are really like a team leader in both your art and your family. Both are full-time jobs. To build this support system it's a lot for us to take. Like you said, did you sign up for this? Are we ready to? We are never ready, plan or no plan, we’re never ready.
Andrea: I do think my career took a big hit when I had my children back to back. I was going fast toward a place that I visualized with my company and the dancers. The second I had kids, I had to quit touring, slow down projects and limit rehearsal time. Many dancers left the company. It was really depressing for a while, to lose so much. Now I’m choreographing, maybe a little slower than before but if it’s silly kisses, pillow fights, bedtime dance parties, and endless laundry slowing me down, I’ll take it. I’m good with this pace… for now.
Anabella: I know about giving up things very well. As a mother, what are the things that you try to transfer to your children? How do you feel you communicate with your kids as an artist and dancer? This stamina, this discipline, that you gained training as a dancer, how do you transfer it to them –– as you have small kids, 7 and 9 years old?
Andrea: My son is an athlete. He's a very talented football (soccer)player. Football is everything to him. He eats, drinks, and sleeps football. As a kid I was utterly obsessed with dance, consumed by it. We share finding a passion quite early on and nurturing it with devotion and discipline. I notice some parents have extremely talented kids but they don’t imagine that their talent could lead to a profession in the sport. I think this is one of the things I give my son, permission to dream big. Go for it all the way. Why not?? He has so much magic in him, it’s pure happiness for me to see him practice at home or play games. I’m now sitting underneath a massive hole in the wall - one of the blows this house has taken in the name of football. Noa, my daughter…I cry about her future independent life already. She’s at the age where we’re still holding hands and I don’t think I will be able to let go. She’s an incredible mover. She’s creative and she sparkles. She’s packing a lot of personality into a tiny body. I think her profession of choice would be… to be famous. Even though she’s ready for the big time, we’re rolling out her public personality as slowly as possible. Compared to Mateo, she’s a lot more easygoing with her interests. So I’m learning from her that you can cultivate a soul in many more ways than discipline.
Anabella: My choreographic project's title, is “Listen to Your Mother”. What are the things that you listen to from your own mother and the things that you don't listen to?
Andrea: I credit my mother for modeling a life of passion and commitment to something you love. Everything she does, she does it with such excellence. She’s so hard working, she never stops to rest, even her recreational activity is cycling up the Rocky Mountains. She’s inspiring. It’s hard to be lazy around her…And I think being an artist does have a percentage of time that you need to just sit and look into the distance… I’m not sure she’ll ever do that! I think she taught me something important about committing yourself to whatever you do, whether it’s dancing or cleaning your room. I think I enjoy the things that I do because I put my whole self into it. That's something she gave me.
Anabella: And what will you not listen to from your mother?
Andrea: I think that my mother values being right or doing things “perfectly” over people's feelings. She'd rather do it well than do it with joy or making a mess because it's fun. She prioritizes efficiency over quality. She’s not the scenic route kind of lady. I love to see people having fun, I love making a mess. I don't care if the gingerbread house falls down, we had a blast doing it like that. My daughter is much stronger than me in many ways, so I'm glad about that. I don't feel like I have transferred some of my baggage to her… yet. She's very self-confident and she feels deeply happy. I’m trying to learn from her and I hope to teach her, if I can, to trust herself.
Anabella: Yes, and how to be a female in the world. What does it mean to be female in the world and the responsibilities we have –– the ones we want to take or don’t want to take? The responsibility we have –– who told us we have to do this, right? Who put us in this role? I am Argentinian, but I'm creating American citizens. So this is the next question for you: how is this idea of citizenship or citizens of the world that we are creating the next generation?
Andrea: My husband is Colombian, and my mom is Spanish, my father is a Lithuanian/American- I feel like I'm the only American. Oh! Our nanny is from Mexico and my stepdaughter's Slovenian. We have a constellation of cultures, religions, continents, and experiences that make up our American experience. My experience in the US is a multicultural experience.
Anabella: It’s so interesting that some Americans don't know how other people see them from the outside. Perhaps the idea of citizenship is also like that. As an American, you feel one way, but perhaps you've been seen as another. This in-and-out tension, pull and push, that I am interested in talking about. As you said, we expose our kids to different cultures, tolerance, to dialogues, because that's very important. The tolerance of different points of view. Different ways of seeing life. That’s how we raise our kids to respect something that is different from them.
Andrea: My husband works at the United Nations. His profession and all the scientific research, human rights efforts, climate policy, frontier issues, all influences the way that we think at home. I very much value how much his work and his mind enriches our lives.
Anabella: Is there anything that you want to add?
Andrea: For the first time in my life, I’m working with someone who had kids. My Executive Director, Erin Fogarty has twins and our programming and development director Navarra Novy-Williams has two small children. I feel like it’s a completely different work environment than I’ve ever experienced.
It changed my life. If I was a little late because I had to do something for my kid, she understood. She gave me grace. If she was late, I understood. And there was this whole new level of empathy and communal connection that makes me tear up just thinking about how much it’s meant to me and how difficult mother’s have it in the workforce. Dance is no exception.
Anabella: It makes the whole difference, Andrea. Especially in New York and in the art field, there are not many leaders that have kids. They don’t understand. They think you're late because you're not committed. Meanwhile, your kid is throwing up or has a fever.
Like you said, the level of empathy –– that’s why I believe this project will be bubbling and make waves in different institutions with different artists who have this dialogue. Have this dialogue because it's very important. I feel it in the artists that are moms versus the ones that are not. Can you divide your artistic life or your artistic choices because you are a mom? As you say, there is a sense of shame that you receive in part. At the same time, society pushes you to be ashamed or hide, but actually, that's why you are alive. That’s what makes us complete. I come home and my kids say, “Hi, mom!” I need to put my feet on earth, they are my priority. And all the other shit is secondary. It's not important.
Andrea: It's so nice. The premiere is not everything about who I am. Not even close. And also the premiere is so much more interesting now because I have so much more in me to give.